Things I could do without: Umbrellas

Mary Poppins: Now this bitch knew how to put an umbrella to good use

That's right, umbrellas. Oh, I know what you're thinking. "What?! Umbrellas?! But they protect you from the rain!" Shut the fuck up. What are you, afraid of water? Fucking pussy. I only know of two things that are afraid of water: cats, and the aliens from "Signs". And last time I checked, people don't piss in litter boxes, and our skin doesn't melt when Joaquin Phoenix hits a glass of water at us with a baseball bat.

I live and work in New York City, a city so connected by public transportation that the most anyone ever has to walk is about four blocks. And yet, every single time so much as a drop of rain falls from the sky, you'd think it was pouring napalm. Suddenly, walking down a crowded street turns into walking down a three-times-as-crowded street with thousands of metal wires coming at you at eye-level. While all these selfish umbrella-bearing bastards saunter down the street, completely unaware of their new spatial occupancy, I'm busy trying to find my way through them and not go blind in the process.

Now some might say, "But what if it's absolutely pouring and you need to walk far to get to wherever you're going?" But seriously, how often does that happen? Everyone knows that Americans are far too fat and lazy to walk places anymore. And even if that does happen, you're gonna get fuckin soaked anyway, so you might as well save yourself the trouble of carrying an umbrella. How bout wearing a hat? Or a raincoat with a hood? You ever think of that? Of course you didn't, because it has been ingrained in your mind that every time it rains, you better not forget your umbrella. God have mercy on your soul if you forget that umbrella.

Wisen up, people. Umbrellas were invented before the luxury of modern transportation. Back then, they were a pretty cool idea. Now, they're fucking stupid. Stop using them.