Monday, January 26, 2009

People I could do without: Virgins

At every party you go to, there's one person who stands out like a sore thumb. You can tell right away who it is. It's that person who's clearly not having as much fun as he or she could be. They drink from their cups with timid, insecure sips. They tuck themselves away in the shadows, seemingly safe from their fellow revelers' judgmental gazes. They crack jokes that are neither funny nor offensive. They tell boring, bland stories that leave a bitter, metallic taste in the mouths of everyone who has the misfortune of being within hearing range. No, I'm not talking about foreigners and no I'm not talking about hipsters. And no I'm not even talking about foreign hipsters. The pariahs I speak of are the scourge of the world...virgins.

Before I elaborate on my unwavering disdain for virgins, let me first say that the virgins of which I speak are not those that simply have yet to find their way into the welcoming bosom of the opposite sex. That's understandable, because in these days of economic and political turmoil, getting a quick bang session together is tougher than a windowless van full of fresh-off-the-boat Albanians. I'm no Casanova or anything, but I'll be goddamned if I don't at least try to get lucky as often and in as demented a way as possible. As long as you try to make it happen, or at the very least, want it to happen, you're all right with me. The virgins I refer to are those that actively seek to preserve their sexual purity and along the way, make sure that every single soul within a 5 mile radius knows that their nether-regions are off limits. They wear brightly colored wristbands and charming t-shirts with such witticisms as "Cele-bate Good Times" written proudly across the front. All the while, they just pray that passerbys will ask them what their agenda is, so they can launch into another one of their long-winded diatribes about the discipline and will-power it takes to abstain, as well as the fruitful bounty that awaits them on their wedding night. What these dunces fail to realize is that by having waited 30 some odd years to finally knock boots, they'll be as skilled in the sack as Mike Damone, but not nearly as cool. The end result will be hours of crying and self-doubt, on what should be the most important day of your life. This will have a significant effect on your marriage, as your partner will look at you like a complete failure. As the marriage further deteriorates, your partner will begin sleeping with the mailman, the pizza delivery boy, and everyone else she can get her hands on. This will leave you a timid and broken man, causing your children to walk all over you and steal money from your wallet to pay for tickets to Hoobastank concerts. Your office productivity will slip and you'll be fired and replaced (ideally by the guy who's been diddling your wife. It's my fantasy, play along.) With no job and no prospects, you'll quickly be slapped with divorce papers, abandoned by your children, and become the joke of the entire town. Well played, virgin. I hope it was all worth it.

"(sobbing) Is this what I saved myself for?"

To make matters even worse, the negative impact of virgins on our ecosystem is further amplified by the tendency of a good number of people, particularly men, to try to "take someone's V-card." When you ask these suckers why on Earth they would put in the time and effort necessary to topple some stupid virgin's wall of chastity, the inevitable response is, "Well, it's the challenge, dude." Oh, it's the fucking challenge, is it? If it's a challenge you want, pick up the violin. You won't have to tell it you love it before it lets you play. Or try learning Russian. I can guarantee that you won't have to take your textbook on dozens of expensive dates or let it cry on your shoulder before it gives up the goods. Deflowering virgins isn't some Holy Grail. The fucking HOLY GRAIL is the Holy Grail! I can picture some smug asshole in an Argyle sweater and a scarf pretentiously draped over his shoulders reading this and saying, "Well, Mary Magdalene was actually the Holy Grail," and then fondling himself as he thinks about how smart and well-read he is. Before you de-pants, remember that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. So, if your line of thinking is that the Holy Grail wasn't just a chalice, then it was actually a total whore. That's fine with me. But by putting forth the effort it takes to deflower some broad, all you've succeeded in doing is perpetuating the ridiculous notion that it's worthwhile for women to remain celibate. The long-term consequences of this trend are dire. Some social science theorists predict that as more people abstain, society will devolve into an anarchic, post-apocalyptic type state, in which blood-thirsty, brain-eating virgins will roam the barren wastelands, looking for remaining members of the Resistance to bite, infect with their virgin toxins, and subsequently convert to celibacy.



A band of virgin marauders advancing on innocent civilians.

Approximately every 7.3 seconds, a young man or woman decides to abstain from sex. The future looks bleak, friends, but there a few of us out there that will refuse to become indoctrinated into the celibacy agenda. Know this, virgins. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight you on the seas and oceans. We shall fight you on the beaches. We shall fight you on the landing grounds. We shall fight you on the fields and in the streets. We shall fight you in the hills. We shall never surrender. Viva La Resistance.

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