Animals I Could Do Without: Pandas

These guys have the right idea.

Call me a grouch, but I’m really getting fed up with the public’s collective boner for pandas. It’s bad enough to see adults turn into five year old girls upon seeing a panda at the zoo, but I draw the line when pandas are starring in movies and taking jobs away from hardworking human actors.

I was minding my own business the other day, enjoying an episode of “Planet Earth”, when what should appear on the screen but the world’s most overrated animal, the giant panda. The pussy ass, freeloading giant panda. And this giant pussy was sitting there, gnawing on a stick of bamboo, with her stupid little retarded cub and a sorry expression on her face, as the voiceover spewed the usual media song and dance about the dwindling supply of bamboo and the endangerment of the species. The whole scene was enough to make me want to puke my last meal all over the forests of the Orient.

Pandas need to stop making excuses. You would think a panda, being giant and all, would have the requisite strength and combat skills to not only survive, but fulfill its duties as a bear and fuck some shit up. While the rest of the animal kingdom was carrying out business as usual – having tons of sex, pissing on things, eating babies and other smaller animals – this massive ball of pathetic was doing nature’s equivalent of watching Will & Grace reruns with a pint of Haagen Dazs, wondering why her husband is no longer faithful. No wonder they are on the verge of extinction.

I have been told more than once that my hatred for pandas is merely a product of my bias for the American grizzly. You see, for as long as I can remember, I have carried a strange premonition that some day I will have to fight a grizzly bear. Coincidentally, I have a similar premonition that I will die on the toilet, like Elvis. This leads me to two possible conclusions: either a) I will be mauled by a bear while taking a shit, or b) I will defeat the bear, only to be dropping a deuce and/or furiously masturbating at an advanced age, when I am suddenly gripped by a heart attack, or an exploding sphincter. I would tend toward option b), because I’ve always envisioned the battle happening in a public place. Like, I would be at a nice dinner with my family, and glance over my shoulder to see the grizzly a few tables over, thumbing through the wine list. We would toss the menus, exchange death glares, and have it out.

Here’s my point: you’re goddamn right I’m biased. Would a grizzly ever let itself become endangered? Would it sit there as its population shrinks and cry like a little bitch? Hell no. It would go kill something, and then find a female to fuck. Were a grizzly and a panda ever to face off, the grizzly would show him how we do things in America. He would rip off the panda’s head, tear out the bones, grind that shit up, start making that real money. Probably eat the little retarded panda baby too.

I won’t stand idly by and let this embarrassment of a species slowly pussify us all – it’s time for us to do the right thing and turn to violence. There is actually one panda to whom I will grant a reprieve – of course, I am talking about Sexual Harassment Panda.


But all the rest of them need to hurry up and die. Jesus, what a disgrace.