Criss Angel: Kill yourself

According to Wikipedia, Criss Angel is the star and creator of the A&E Network show Criss Angel Mindfreak. If you are like me, however, you know him as the dude who seemingly parks his meat in anything he wants. Recently, this douche-of-the-decade candidate has been delving into the pastrami curtains of Holly Madison, better known as Hugh Hefner’s ex. Other stallions in his stable of exes are Britney Spears, Pam Anderson, Cameron Diaz, Paris Hilton, Miss Nevada, and all types of other whores. Ok, so that list would be more impressive if this were 2001, but still, you get the point.

Did I mention he is a magician? I guess there isn’t much else out there for the popular “Hot chicks that are into magicians” fetish. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Now, I’m not saying that magicians don’t have sex appeal, because that would be a lie. But, Criss Angel? Really? It would be hard to find a bigger douche in a Hollister. On Long Island.

Not surprisingly, Criss Angel is actually from Long Island. Second, he dresses like, I don’t even know. A vampire? Not scary enough. A biker? A goth? Also, I guarantee there is something weird going on with his cock. I can see him having a Prince Albert or maybe some kind of chain that is woven through his sack.

What happened to magicians pulling rabbits out of hats? Did I miss the meeting where society collectively came together and decided that we wanted our magicians to be suicidal maniacs that constantly put their lives in danger for our amusement? I won’t haze you by putting the youtube clips of him doing his “tricks,” but here is a short list of the stunts he has pulled: walking on water, levitating, floating between two buildings, causing a Lamborghini to disappear, surviving in an exploding C4 Crate, cutting himself in half in full view of an audience and getting run over by a steamroller while lying stomach down on a bed of glass.

I think I have found the cure for my current state of unemployment. Get a job as Criss’ assistant and make sure I “forget” to unlock the hatch so he can escape. That, or stab him in the skull.