Strike Him with Lightning: Pope Tim Tebow

If you are reading this and are a fan of the Florida Gators: congratulations on literacy. You are a part of a proud few. Now, why don’t you go over to the Tim Tebow photo above your dining room table while we talk about… uh, rap music. We’ll get you when we’re done.

It’s easy to hate an athlete because of their on-field success. It’s even easier to hate them when they are a complete douche off the field. Above all, though, haters line up to cast judgment on a player when he acts like the dead skin between his toes tastes like Fun Dip. Tim Tebow falls into the last category.

Academic achievement

I’m always skeptical when a big-time college athlete is a member of an all-Academic team. Without even looking, I can predict that the majority of the scholars on these lists have majors such as Communications, Exercise Sciences, or Agricultural Journalism (I’ve actually seen that one). But Tim Tebow takes the prize with his major: “Family, Youth and Community Sciences.” What a fucking joke. This cupcake major makes “Peace and Conflict Studies” sound like rocket science. Commentators are quick to point out that Lord Tebow has a 3.77 GPA but if you ask me, its embarrassing to have that low of a GPA considering required courses range from “Contemporary Youth Problems and Solutions” to “Fund Raising for Community Nonprofit Organizations” I’m beginning to question whether or not they even make textbooks for courses like these.

Also, Tebow was homeschooled. I wonder if he managed a 4.0 from Teacher Mommy.

Holier than Thou

Tebow’s “academic” achievement is just one of the reasons that the sports media holds Timmy boy on a golden pedestal above the rest of the nation’s youth. Everyone that has turned on ESPN in the past few months must be well acquainted with Teblow's extensive volunteer work. Tebow’s parents are devout nutjobs -i mean- missionaries; Timmy was even born in the Philippines. (looks like a normal family) Every summer, Tim heads back to Southeast Asia to pose for pictures with orphans, preach to adoring, hungry crowds, and… fondle the nutsacks of young Asian boys?? Yes, Sir Tebow even helps cut the foreskin off little children:

"The first time, it was nerve-racking," Tebow said. "Hands were shaking a little bit. I mean, I'm cutting somebody. You can't do those kinds of things in the United States. But those people really needed the surgeries. We needed to help them."

What the fuck? Why hasn’t anyone brought up the fact that Timmy has an interest in tiny johnsons? And why are we letting a college student with no medical training touch the reproductive organs of children? Wait, he has a 3.77 GPA? Carry on, then.

A little while ago, a photo surfaced which claims to be the girlfriend of Tebow. Rumor has it he is attracted to her … passion for Christ.

I could do without Tim Tebow thanking his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” after receiving award after award. But the national media has anointed him as OUR savior. Take the national championship game. The announcers on Fox described Tebow as Gandhi-esque: “It’s such a cynical, sarcastic society… often times looking for the negative on anybody or anything. If you are fortunate enough to spend five minutes or twenty minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it”

Ironically, while this circle jerk was taking place, Tebow went ahead and got a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by, of all things, taunting while his team was ahead 10 points with just two minutes to go. After a first down, Tebow was seen giving the ultra-douchey “Gator chomp” into the face of an Oklahoma defender. Instead of condemning the behavior, the commentators called his act “maybe the first thing he has done wrong in his life” while laughing it off. Even when replay was shown on the act, the commentators defended it, saying that "he was backing away, which is good." If this had been a player seen as a thug, I assume that these commentators wouldn’t have been as nice. But, as usual, Tebow can do no wrong.