Biggest Movie Douche of Our Time: Travis Van Winkle

I have always hated this actor. I know you do too. He is literally a douche in every single role he plays. The fact that he resembles Nick Carter doesn’t help.

Now that I found out his last name is “Van Winkle” I feel slightly bad for him. But, I just looked at his page on imdb and the hate is coming back as strong and pungent as piss after asparagus. Here is a sampling of his roles:

Friday the 13th (2009) ......... Trent

Meet the Spartans (2008) ......... Sonio

"Greek" ......... Travis (1 episode, 2007)

Transformers (2007) ......... Trent

Left in Darkness (2006) ......... Corby

Dorm Daze 2 (2006) ......... Frat Guy

Accepted (2006) ......... Hoyt Ambrose

"7th Heaven" ......... Brian (1 episode, 2005)

"The O.C." ......... Kyle Thompson (1 episode, 2005)

"Malcolm in the Middle" ......... Phillip (1 episode, 2005)

"That's So Raven" ......... Ben (1 episode, 2004)

Billy's Dad Is a Fudge-Packer (2004) ......... Sister's Boyfriend

Instinct vs. Reason (2004) ......... Frat Boy

The smash nursery-school hit “Billy’s Dad Is a Fudge-Packer” aside, T-Dubs’ career roles are categorized as follows:

A) a high school bully named Trent

B) character with douchey name (Sonio, Corby, Hoyt)

C) “Frat” included in character’s name

D) Appearing on a TV show for a single episode

Keep up the good work, Trav!

Infomercials I could do without: Obama Coins

I’ll start out by saying I am quite partial to infomercials in general. I think they are a great medium to market useless products, often resulting in sky-high scores on the unintentional comedy scale. It also serves as a vessel to launch careers of charismatic douchebags or revive the careers of ex-stars or athletes. Also, I hate preparing my salmon and rice in two separate dishes and like to see it’s possible for them to be perfectly cooked in one simple countertop appliance.

The commercials for these Obama Inaugural Coins are essentially useless. I doubt there are any items on the market that are as worthless as these pieces of shit. The website reads “Celebrate the New America!” What it should say instead is “Overpay for Defaced Currency in a Depression!”

Americans, as history shows us, love to leap at the chance to profit off significant historical events. There was the rise in patriotic memorabilia after 9/11. And, of course, the hole-in-the-skull Lincoln Assassination Bobblehead.

A Google search reveals multiple sites calling these coins “rip-offs.” No shit. There will be no demand for these in the future and anyone that believes so needs to be taken out behind the shed and kicked in the shin.

Grandma, if you are reading this on your WebTV, please don’t bother getting me any of these for Christmas. It won’t change the fact I think you’re still a racist. Plus, I still have one of the Reagan engraved gold bars they handed out at country clubs in the 80’s.

New Feature: Music Lyrics I Don't Understand Sundays

Each Sunday I will be posting music lyrics I don't get. It will probably be mostly from rap songs because, well, to be honest they tend to include a lot of meaningless garbage. This lyric comes courtesy of Sean Kingston in Take You There.

"We can go to the tropics
Sip pina coladas
Shorty I could take you there
Or we can go to the slums
Where killas get hung
Shorty I could take you there"

I don't know who Shorty is, but it sounds like she is faced with no brainer here. Go to the tropics! Sip pina coladas! Why on earth would she want to go to the slums? Where killas get hung? I don't even know what that means but it sounds terrifying.

ATHLETES SMOKE POT? OMG!!!!!!

"Don't forget your towel! I'm sooo high...."

Guess what, America? People smoke weed. In fact, lots of people smoke weed. And lots of people smoke a lot of weed. Everyone knows this, and at some point in their lives, just about every American has smoked weed themselves. So why, when Michael Phelps is found to have "smoked from a marijuana pipe", as ESPN.com so eloquently put it, does the media react like he just hailed Hitler at a press conference? And why I am still hearing about this "story" so long after it broke? This guy, as much of an awkward douchebag as he is, just won 8 fucking gold medals for this country. For all I care, he can be huffing gasoline with Thai hookers while a big ol' batch of meth brews in his bathtub.

Josh Howard of the Mavericks had the right idea when he came out and admitted to smoking weed in the offseason. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I believe it went something like, "Fuck yeah I smoke weed in the offseason motherfuckers! I make millions of dollars and get 4 months off every year. So what the fuck am I gonna do with all that time off? I'm gonna do the same shit I did before I was rich, only I'm gonna do more of it and spend more money while doing it. I'm gonna play xbox 360, buy a shit load of flat screens, pimp mad bitches, and smoke mad blunts. And none of those schwaggy-ass blunts that I used to smoke. I'm talkin' those blizzunts rolled with only the finest of nugs. And guess what? You ain't gon' do shit about it." Right on, Josh, right on...

If Michael Phelps wasn't such an awkward pussy who hides behind his publicist, he would have done the right thing. He would have stepped up to the podium when the shit hit the fan and said, "Yeah, I smoke weed once and a while, and does it matter? Well, I just won 8 gold medals for this country, so I'd say it probably doesn't matter too much. How many gold medals have you won? Oh, what's that? None? Hm. Well then, I guess you should probably just shut the fuck up. And oh yeah, I almost forgot... (pulls out bong, takes a big rip, exhales into everyone's faces, dumps bong water on his head, smashes bong, starts to walk off stage) ... suck my fuckin dick."

Choke On That Candy Heart: The Overly Happy and Touchy Public Couple

SPECIAL VALENTINES DAY EDITION

Let me start by saying I picked the picture above from a thumbnail and now that I have uploaded it, it really creeps me out. First of all, the dude looks at least a quarter retarded. He looks unstable as all hell. He is that guy at the party breaking bottles over his head and everyone is laughing but also noting where the exits are in case an escape needs to take place. Also, is the chick wearing any clothes? Normally I would not mind that, hell, I would encourage it- but I think there is a decent chance that she is also a guy. Look at how meaty those arms are!Also, has anyone seen Real World Brooklyn? The chick on that show that used to be a dude looks a lot like this broad. Enough to raise a few questions...

Anyways, Valentines Day is coming up and that means some of us get to have a special day with someone special, and some of us get to have a sloppy and depressing night with someone sloppy and depressing. I fall into the latter. I will be spending the night with this chick.

In all seriousness, to a single person, there is nothing more annoying than the overly touchy and lovey couple. Its bad enough to know you are out there somewhere. Cant you just spoon in the dark and watch Love Actually like all the other couples out there? You gotta bring that shit in to public? To parties? I wish I could shot gun a beer but I know I will just throw it up next time you two break out into a tickle fight.

Also- Who are these people kidding? Everyone knows its a true that the more lovey dovey a couple acts in public the more fucked up things actually are. Fact. Common knowledge. When that couple who is giving each other Eskimo kisses in Starbucks get home, the wheels come off the wagon. The guy is either beating the ever loving shit out of that girl, or shes making him participate in some sort of weird farmer/pig role playing scenario. Its called over compensation people, read a book.

Lastly, who does this? Didn't PDA go out of style while Dawson's Creek was still on the air? I am pretty sure that last time I held hands with a chick in public an Oasis CD was playing. The only kind of acceptable PDA is making out, at a bar, with a stranger.

And everyones doing it! Even ugly people are groping each other like they can massage some attractiveness into their lover. They should know that they are barely allowed to come in to public in the first place, don't push it.

You two! Out of the gene pool!

Tenor I could do without: Chris Brown

Can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of R&B singers. Chris Breezy is no different. I was first introduced to him as the guy who died in the beginning of Stomp the Yard. Later, I learned that he porks Rihanna and made a song about Doublemint gum.

Now it turns out he beat up on his girlfriend the night before the Grammys. Yet another reason why rappers are better than “singers” such as C-Brow. First of all, rappers don’t have a girlfriend to slap around. They have hoes in different area codes, mind you. Also, they are too busy smoking blunts and counting their money to make a girl bruise. I must say I was shocked to hear a story like this about Brown. What’s next? Omarion stabs his mom? O-Town caught in a dog fighting ring? Roger, the annoying neighbor from Sister, Sister, putting out CDs like we don’t remember where we know him from? Pathetic.

I think rap stars look forward to award shows. I guarantee that the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards is circled on R. Kelly’s calendar. Award shows give rap stars the opportunity to show off that new chain, watch, or semi-automatic handgun. In 2004, Young Buck stabbed some lucky guy in the chest because he had punched Dr. Dre in the back of the head. My grandpa said it was his favorite VIBE Awards to date.

Award shows are places for partially illiterate musicians to try to read teleprompters after taking an eighth of chronic and three cups of syrup to the head. They aren’t places to show off the bruises you created by smacking your bitch up.

Sorry for the lack of posts...

We'll be back next week!