ATHLETES SMOKE POT? OMG!!!!!!

"Don't forget your towel! I'm sooo high...."

Guess what, America? People smoke weed. In fact, lots of people smoke weed. And lots of people smoke a lot of weed. Everyone knows this, and at some point in their lives, just about every American has smoked weed themselves. So why, when Michael Phelps is found to have "smoked from a marijuana pipe", as ESPN.com so eloquently put it, does the media react like he just hailed Hitler at a press conference? And why I am still hearing about this "story" so long after it broke? This guy, as much of an awkward douchebag as he is, just won 8 fucking gold medals for this country. For all I care, he can be huffing gasoline with Thai hookers while a big ol' batch of meth brews in his bathtub.

Josh Howard of the Mavericks had the right idea when he came out and admitted to smoking weed in the offseason. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I believe it went something like, "Fuck yeah I smoke weed in the offseason motherfuckers! I make millions of dollars and get 4 months off every year. So what the fuck am I gonna do with all that time off? I'm gonna do the same shit I did before I was rich, only I'm gonna do more of it and spend more money while doing it. I'm gonna play xbox 360, buy a shit load of flat screens, pimp mad bitches, and smoke mad blunts. And none of those schwaggy-ass blunts that I used to smoke. I'm talkin' those blizzunts rolled with only the finest of nugs. And guess what? You ain't gon' do shit about it." Right on, Josh, right on...

If Michael Phelps wasn't such an awkward pussy who hides behind his publicist, he would have done the right thing. He would have stepped up to the podium when the shit hit the fan and said, "Yeah, I smoke weed once and a while, and does it matter? Well, I just won 8 gold medals for this country, so I'd say it probably doesn't matter too much. How many gold medals have you won? Oh, what's that? None? Hm. Well then, I guess you should probably just shut the fuck up. And oh yeah, I almost forgot... (pulls out bong, takes a big rip, exhales into everyone's faces, dumps bong water on his head, smashes bong, starts to walk off stage) ... suck my fuckin dick."

Characters I could do without: Stewie Griffin

Let’s face it: Family Guy hasn’t been the same since the South Park episode where it was suggested that the Family Guy writing staff consisted of manatees instead of single Jewish guys. Even before this episode, I took issue with Seth MacFarlane’s plagiarism of classic TV comedies. Obviously Peter Griffin is a fatter, more human-looking version of Homer Simpson. And I would be floored to find out that Meg isn’t directly based on Cliff Huxtable.

The first problem I have with Stewie is that he looks like the lead character from Hey Arnold without having smoked bongs for a half hour straight. He is arguably the most famous character of the show, although this title should clearly go to Asian Correspondent Tricia Takanawa.

Stewie started out as a talking baby who was obsessed with killing his mother. He somehow transformed into a homosexual with an inexplicable British accent. Also, the fact that some can understand what he says and others can’t frustrates me. When he does say something, he makes references so obscure that you need Wikipedia open just to identify which washed up celebrity is talking about.

What pisses me off about Stewie is that he is such a fucking pussy (Shocking. A fag from England?) Remember the episode when he runs into his adult self? Turns out that “Stu” is a 35 year old virgin who reads Parade Magazine. In this episode, Stewie attempts to cheer up Stu by playing the “glad game” where you list things that make you “glad.” First of all, what an enormously bisexual game. Who uses the word “glad”? Second of all, these are the things that Stewie lists: pinwheels, a big wedge of cake from the fair, a doo-dad to wear in your hat. All of those things are less exciting than a handjob from Mother Teresa.

In sum, take (yet) another note from the Simpsons: Maggie doesn’t talk. Babies usually don’t.