Cut your goddamn hair, Justin Bieber

First off, the kid lives with Usher. This is some Michael Jackson shit right hurr, U-S-H-E-R R-A-Y-M-O-N-D, my man, I used to be down with you. You were like the black Justin Timberlake, but whiter. I grinded puberty penis all over my slow dance partner to your shit back in the day. And lest I forget to mention “Yeah!” with Lil John, which kept Senor Frogs rocking so well they played it every fucking other song when I was on high school spring break. But now you are just living with this kid? Like combing his hair? Teaching him how to shave? What the fuck.

Here is a video of a little girl crying.

After this video blew up herpes-like all over the internets, Bieber took time to find the girl and attempt to give her a heart attack at 3 years old. She somehow survived, so add her to the piles and piles of prepubescent girls adoring this little pumpkin-pie haircutted freak. And is he hooking up with these girls? The ones who grow the boobs in 6th grade? Or like a horny high schooler? I’m sure Usher just tosses him a magnum when he heads into bed for a Thai-fuckfest, right?

I really want this kid to get hard by puberty. Like become different looking and grow tits or something. He basically lives like Elvis and Obama put together, and should be in like 8th grade. In 8th grade I was calling up a friend with movie channels to see if Erotic Confessions was playing, then go to his house if it was. And I thought I was king shit because I was watching Cinemax.

I hate how he is in rap songs so now I’m pressured to give him some cred. From the accounts of hip-hop hoodrats to probably like, I don’t know, Desean Jackson, this kid is blowing up twitter with entries like “No homo lol but I can fucks with that Bieber white kid. Lol hit me upppp” But no, fuck that. I’m not going to like someone just because Ludacris tells me to. Although he was right about chicken and beer, telling bitches to move out of the way, rolling out, and putting the windows up when I fuck in the backseat.

I’m calling crazed fan shopping mall stabbing in 2014.