Eat Shit and Die: Lebron James

Granted no one used to read this blog when we actually wrote for it, and we ended up aborting this thing quicker than a baby inside a liberal presidential candidates unmarried teenage daughter, but I have to weigh in on this Lebron James thing. For the last year or so I have been screaming off of rooftops how much I hate Lebron James. Every time I hop on the treadmill and tune into sports center to, god forbid, watch highlights of actual sporting events I get flooded with 20 minutes of Lebron James updates. How did Lebron play last night? Where is he going to head next season? Is he going to play for Jay-Z? Is he going to rap for Jay-Z? Did Lebron hurt his hand? Did Lebron hurt his toe? Did Lebron masterbate last night? If so, did he use lotion? If not, did he use something else cool that I haven't even heard of, like toothpaste?

Now I realize that this isn't Lebron's fault, BUT when you decide to host a hour long prime time special announcing where you are headed next season, that is your fault. Every time he talks its always "me, me, me...this is what I did..." Since Lebron has entered the NBA we have seen him develop into one of the most whiney and egotistical athletes this world has ever seen. Now he decides to establish himself as a real leader by jumping on a team where he can hide behind D-Wade when he doesn't want to do it himself. Not to mention Chris Bosh. How stacked do the Heat need to be? I remember once watching a team of all of the NBAs best players on one team play an ordinary team, and the ordinary team won. The year was 1996, and the movie was Space Jam. Fuck the Monstars, and fuck the Heat.

As far as I'm concerned the only way the Heat management can right this wrong is by making a few more clutch key free agent moves before the season begins in order to put together America's most hated team. Acquire T.O., Kanye West, and Dane Cook and their line up would look a little something like this:

F Lebron James

F Terrell Owens

G Kanye West

G Dane Cook

G Mario Chalmers

No offense to Mario Chalmers, but someones gotta bring the ball up the court and Dane Cook isn't as nimble as he needs to be in his skinny jeans. Then, they hire the drunk dad from Independence Day as the team pilot and we all can root for plane crash like the future of Amurica depends on it...