Characters I could do without: Stewie Griffin

Let’s face it: Family Guy hasn’t been the same since the South Park episode where it was suggested that the Family Guy writing staff consisted of manatees instead of single Jewish guys. Even before this episode, I took issue with Seth MacFarlane’s plagiarism of classic TV comedies. Obviously Peter Griffin is a fatter, more human-looking version of Homer Simpson. And I would be floored to find out that Meg isn’t directly based on Cliff Huxtable.

The first problem I have with Stewie is that he looks like the lead character from Hey Arnold without having smoked bongs for a half hour straight. He is arguably the most famous character of the show, although this title should clearly go to Asian Correspondent Tricia Takanawa.

Stewie started out as a talking baby who was obsessed with killing his mother. He somehow transformed into a homosexual with an inexplicable British accent. Also, the fact that some can understand what he says and others can’t frustrates me. When he does say something, he makes references so obscure that you need Wikipedia open just to identify which washed up celebrity is talking about.

What pisses me off about Stewie is that he is such a fucking pussy (Shocking. A fag from England?) Remember the episode when he runs into his adult self? Turns out that “Stu” is a 35 year old virgin who reads Parade Magazine. In this episode, Stewie attempts to cheer up Stu by playing the “glad game” where you list things that make you “glad.” First of all, what an enormously bisexual game. Who uses the word “glad”? Second of all, these are the things that Stewie lists: pinwheels, a big wedge of cake from the fair, a doo-dad to wear in your hat. All of those things are less exciting than a handjob from Mother Teresa.

In sum, take (yet) another note from the Simpsons: Maggie doesn’t talk. Babies usually don’t.