Tuesday, June 9, 2009

People I Could Do Without: Casual biker wearing intense racing outfit


Nothing like driving along and almost running over some jack-off puttering around on his bike looking like he is prepared to line up for the Tour de France. Instead of squeezing a practice ride between blood-doping sessions, however, this douchasaurus is merely avoiding his family by coasting aimlessly around the block a few times.



I understand spending some dough on a helmet. But gloves? Spandex shirt? Really? Wind resistance doesn’t play a factor when you are only going 11 miles-per-hour and are 11 Krispy Kremes from being legally obese.



Do you put on a spandex onesie and cleats when running a single time around the block? A Rip Hamilton clear mask and arm lingerie to play hoops? Full helmet and pads when tossing the football around?

And you must rock a swim cap and sharkskin swimsuit when sitting in the hot tub too. The closest I come to impersonating Michael Phelps is polishing off a bag of Jalapeno Popper flavored Doritos while laughing my ass off to Weekend at Bernie’s. That is if you don’t count the 1200 daily sit-ups and weekly rimjobs to beauty queens.

Obviously the main reason for this get-up is to create the image that you are an awesome athlete and we should all be jealous of the shape you’re in. And the dedication you show to pedaling. And that you entered a bike race and received a free, skin-tight shirt as a parting gift. And that you think it’s ok to wear it in public.

If you’re so interested in mimicking Lance Armstrong, why don’t you ditch the mother of your three kids after she stuck with you through cancer treatments and marry a B-list singer-songwriter?

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