Monday, June 15, 2009

Music Lyrics I Don't Understand Sundays: Threemix

In Eminem’s recent album, Relapse, he talks about a variety of things he’s been doing since he last released an album in 2005. And by “things” I mean “prescription pills.” And by “doing” I mean “swallowing better than Briana Banks.”

In between tales of murder, robbery, and getting butt-fucked by his step-father in a shed, Eminem dedicates a song to his mother, aptly named “My Mom.”

One of the lines strikes me wrong each time I listen to this song. In an effort to understand this lyric, which sticks out worse than a Long John Silver’s fan in a group of Ethiopian refugees, let’s look at the preceding lines one at a time:

Pee in a tea cup? Bitch you ain't my keeper, I'm sleeping

Ah, the old pee in the tea cup trick, eh? Obviously Slim Shady isn’t falling for that one again.

What the fuck you keep on fucking with me for?

Double “fuck.” I like it. Really drives in the point.

Slut you need to leave me the fuck alone I ain't playing,

Nothing like calling your mom a “slut.” Another gem.

Go find you a white crayon and color a fucking zebra.

And the wheels are off.

What the fuck is this line supposed to mean? Even if his mom had a fresh pack of tasty Crayolas in her hand, how was she supposed to track down a zebra? At the zoo? I’m pretty sure as soon as she knelt down near the beast, his mom would get kicked square in the pussy.

And what an insult from Slim! Call me jaded, but I don’t think this punishment has the same pizzazz as, say, telling your mother you’re going to rape her (known in the South as “a pickup line”).

Does crayon even work on zebra? Why not tell her to paint one? Literally anything but a crayon.

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