F1RST!!!11!

(see January posts)

http://shar.es/bkBi

Part of my pants I could do without: the Button-Up Fly

In the past few years, the button-up fly has stormed onto the fashion scene with the audacity of the first girl in middle school with boobs. However, this newest accessory does not give me a mega-boner in math class.

Instead, this unfortunate invention has caused me to audibly curse an item of clothing at the mall. What was wrong with the zipper, anyway? Was it too easy? Too convenient? The top button was already pushing it. Now, I have an arsenal of fasteners to complete before I am able to hit the bars and (eventually) saturate my pants with warm urine.

To the most common anti-zipper argument: getting your dick caught. Has this ever actually happened to anyone not in a Farrelly brothers’ movie? Chalk this up to another thing Ben Stiller has ruined for us, along with museums and Judaism. If you are stupid enough to not have realized that the penis goes inside the pants, not outside, you have larger problems to worry about than how your fly stays together.

The only benefit I can see to button-up flies is giving women a taste of their own medicine. Since before that hoochie Victoria opened her catalog, I mean store, men have been fumbling, ripping, and biting at bra straps in an attempt to break through and unleash those wonderful spheres of boobie blubber lying beneath. Now, when we’re lucky enough to have someone groping drunkenly at our crotch, any semblance of fluidity in the hookup is lost when the girl is forced to give the ol’ awkward laugh before asking for assistance.

This type of “innovation” is akin to going back to manual window rollers. Or pagers. Or Alta Vista. This new fly, like breast-reduction surgery, is a classic example of fixing something that isn't broken.

Music Lyrics I Don’t Understand Sundays: Verse 2

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Hurricane Chris, he is a 19 year old rapper who is best known for his song “A Bay Bay.” Also, according to his Wikipedia page:

Rap-A-Lot Records released You Hear Me?, a compilation of songs including "You Hear Me?" and "Yep"

I can only hope those tracks appeared in that order.

Like it or not, Don’t-Call-Me-a-Tropical-Storm Chris is back on the scene with his newest hit; “Halle Berry (She’s Fine).” At first listen, the song was a laugh riot. Amongst the annoying “Halle Berrayyyyyyyy” repetition, however, a puzzling offer is made by H-Chris:

“I got enough bread to take me and you to London
And back to America and all over the country”

So I’m pretty sure Chris thinks London is a country. Or a continent. Definitely confusing it with either England or Europe. And what a trip you have lined up, Chris! To this proposition, Halle would most likely respond: “Um, hello? I’m Halle titty-fucking Berry. I’ve been to Europe more times than you’ve been to Waffle House.”

Also, who would want to go to London with Hurricane Chris? Nothing like sightseeing with a guy who thinks Parliament is a brand of cigarettes, Buckingham Palace is a sex act, and cricket is a noisy bug.

The phrase “all over the country” immediately brings to mind some sort of sweaty cross-country road trip in a shitty Winnebago. And I doubt Halle Berry is a huge fan of UNO.

Readers I could do without: KillBoyBands

Welcome back. Like they say about adults with autism: long time, no talk.

Somehow comments made on a post I wrote a while ago went unseen until now. Here is the link (ignore the anti-Asian remark).
http://ombbb.blogspot.com/2009/01/characters-i-could-do-without-stewie.html

My response:

I mean this in the harshest way possible... you are too stupid to understand Family Guy.

I’m going to go ahead and take that only moderately harsh.

Which is really sad because it isn't that hard to get.

I could say the same thing to you about your inability to get laid.

Stewie didn't become gay, he is a baby who doesn't yet know if he likes boys or girls. Is that really that hard of a concept?

For a cartoon? Yes.

The fact that YOU (and not everyone) are so stupid that you have to look things up on wikipedia makes me "glad."

I’ll have to agree with you on this point, since you’ve clearly nailed it on the head: I am the only person who consults Wikipedia when they don’t know something.

I don’t think stupidity is the issue, but rather the fact that I didn’t watch TV during the 1970’s so some of the names inevitably go over my head. According to your theory, someone (me, I guess) is “stupid” if you have to look up any of the following actual Family Guy references:

- Death exclaims that the Griffins’ TV is so old that they could get the DuMont network on it
- Cleveland says he once met singer/actress Pearl Bailey
- Lois says “Well, you’re no Salvatore Fiorella.”
- One cutaway shows the time when Peter invited Karl Malden to do cocaine with him
- This caused Peter to exclaim “I love you, Lou Gossett, Jr.”
- Chris says he saw an after-school special about dropping out of college and that “it didn’t work out too well for Kristy McNichol. But then again, nothing did.”

Funny: These are from only two seasons of the show. Funnier: I completely made one up. Funniest: You can’t tell which one.

It is not the responsibility of the writers to dumb it down for idiots like you. (February 18, 2009 3:42 PM )
Nope. Luckily that responsibility falls on your hairy shoulders.

KillBoyBands said...
You're right about Stewie's character changing.

Finally, I get something right. By the way, 11 minutes between posts? Did you squeeze in a quick Warcraft mission?

When the show first came on he was less funny and more "evil." Well guess what?

Chicken butt?

Shit changes.

Someone took a history class in junior college.

Remember the early Simpsons episodes? Have things not changed there? How about South Park? Would you like to explain the chages there?

Would you? I think by not listing the changes, you can’t identify them. That, or you are a witch.

Or do you just stick to the simple things that keep you away from wikipedia?

Typically, when I’m watching a show, I don’t like being given outside assignments. But yes, I prefer things that don’t require Wikipedia to be enjoyable. Like acid.

Your blog perfectly points out the stupidity in your argument.

Hey – let’s leave the blog out of this. “Brad Wesley Snipes” is about to post something.

Obscure references? Are you kidding?

Yep. Gotcha!

Are the writers supposed to call you before writing a joke to see if your simple brain would catch it?

Only if they’re in my Fave 5 (I don’t have that many minutes)

Some people can understand Stewie and some can't.

I said that already.

This bothers you?

Clearly.

By this logic I'm going to assume that you don't like South Park because Kenny kept dying and coming back.

Well since it was clear that Kenny would die in every episode and return in the next, the audience was able to easily follow that part of the plot. In contrast , it’s pretty hard to identify those that can understand Stewie when we’re never told what the requirements are for doing so.

Also, you probably never liked Peanuts(Charlie Brown(don't want you having to resort to looking up "peanuts" on wiki) because the parents sounded muffled.

Easy on the parentheses, you’re writing a sentence not a math problem. I think the muffled-trumpet-parent-voice was actually the only thing about Peanuts that I did like. Also, thanks for letting me know you were talking about the show/comic strip; I would have been really fucking confused trying to figure out how Planters related to parents’ voices. This part of your argument is weaker than Christopher Reeve’s biceps. Do you really think I follow that shitty-ass comic strip? Considering I’m neither a six-year old learning to read nor your great-uncle Mort, I don’t.

Nah, I'll just go with my first instinct and assume you're a fucking retard. (February 18, 2009 3:53 PM )

Nah? C’mon brah!


OK, KillBoyBands. My turn:

I take it you are someone that gets home from a long day manning the register at Gamestop, unbuckles your Tevas, and eagerly plops on the couch for a few Family Guy re-runs on TBS. I bet even though you own the episodes on DVD, you still manage to laugh so hard at each joke that your chocolate milk comes out of your nose and Mom needs to bring in more.

And what’s with your username? I have a few problems with your choice of “KillBoyBands.” First, that is a pretty strong stance towards a music genre that has been dead for over 10 years. I’m impressed you have been able to harbor not only hatred of these guys, but full-blown murderous rage. It leads me to believe that a) you tried out for a boy band and were cut like Owen Wilson’s wrists b) Kevin from BSB said “fuck off” when you asked him on a date to Medieval Times c) you are Charles Manson. Also, your profile has been viewed 4 times. 3 of those were by me.

Your inability to acknowledge that Family Guy contains obscure references makes me think that your mother not only drank moonshine during pregnancy, but also has Down Syndrome. A Google search for “family guy obscure references” gets 57, 800 responses. And once you type in “ob”, Google somehow magically predicts the rest. I Googled “KillBoyBands + acne + virgin” and got so many hits my computer subsequently went dead and started emitting dark grey smoke.

In sum, I want you to do with your lips what your slutty mother should have done with her legs nine months before you were born: shut them.

Unattractive Names for Women: Gretchen

Before any of you (do people still read this?) think "hey, Gretchen Weiners was hot from Mean Girls" remember that she isn't real.

The name Gretchen just sounds ugly. Also, it reminds me of Gretel from that nursery rhyme. And that bitch was fucking dumb.

Biggest Movie Douche of Our Time: Travis Van Winkle

I have always hated this actor. I know you do too. He is literally a douche in every single role he plays. The fact that he resembles Nick Carter doesn’t help.

Now that I found out his last name is “Van Winkle” I feel slightly bad for him. But, I just looked at his page on imdb and the hate is coming back as strong and pungent as piss after asparagus. Here is a sampling of his roles:

Friday the 13th (2009) ......... Trent

Meet the Spartans (2008) ......... Sonio

"Greek" ......... Travis (1 episode, 2007)

Transformers (2007) ......... Trent

Left in Darkness (2006) ......... Corby

Dorm Daze 2 (2006) ......... Frat Guy

Accepted (2006) ......... Hoyt Ambrose

"7th Heaven" ......... Brian (1 episode, 2005)

"The O.C." ......... Kyle Thompson (1 episode, 2005)

"Malcolm in the Middle" ......... Phillip (1 episode, 2005)

"That's So Raven" ......... Ben (1 episode, 2004)

Billy's Dad Is a Fudge-Packer (2004) ......... Sister's Boyfriend

Instinct vs. Reason (2004) ......... Frat Boy

The smash nursery-school hit “Billy’s Dad Is a Fudge-Packer” aside, T-Dubs’ career roles are categorized as follows:

A) a high school bully named Trent

B) character with douchey name (Sonio, Corby, Hoyt)

C) “Frat” included in character’s name

D) Appearing on a TV show for a single episode

Keep up the good work, Trav!